Today

Today I am really trying to follow the natural progression of each moment. So I am e-mailing anybody I know who might know something about teaching english as a second language in Costa Rica. I got here after meditating on being aware of the signs. The first thought that popped in my head was an Adventure Tour van that I saw on a run yesterday. I’ve seen it before and similar vans with similar sounding names. I immediately got up and did an internet search. I found the company, they do bike tours. I’m not that into biking. There was another adventure tour company listed. I clicked on that, guess what? They had a sale on Costa Rica trips. I click through a few of those links, then found one that said “Teaching is your passport to travel.” According to the site, Costa Rica is in high demand for english speaking teachers. A couple of weeks ago Craig told me that one of the few jobs foreigners can get in Costa Rica is teaching english. I happen to know a few people who do this type of thing. So I’ve sent out a few messages. We’ll see what comes up.

Eckhart’s Message

I wasn’t very far into this process that I realized that the message of “A New Earth” is not a new one. I have picked up several spirtual books since then and have found similar, if not the same, message.  I don’t mean to take anyting away from what Mr. Tolle has accomplished. I am just finding myself thinking, “it was always there, you always had access to this information.” It reminds me that what you need is available when you are ready for it. In high school I read Walden. I don’t remember anything about it, except that the guy was alone, in nature. Now I am reading “Wherever You Go There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn and he is quite fond of quoting Thoreau. I can’t even believe the meaning Thoreau’s words have to me now. I have also read “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepak Chopra. I’ve known about Deepak Chopra for a long time, but now I can read his book and really understand how to apply it’s message. And as for fiction, in “The Time Traveler’s Wife” by Audrey Niffenegger there is a reference to a painting called The Awakened Conscience by Hunt. I will be looking up this painting. Hopefully I can post a picture.

As for my meditation this morning, I always like to note my movement. Today I was left to right and forward to back. I settled into a small shifting in my pelvis, a new one for me. After reading a ton of Kabat-Zinn yesterday I really feel like my meditation is just practice for mindfulness. I love his stuff on work. I must quote, “The inward stillness of the doer merges with the outward activity to such an extent that the action does itself. Effortless activity. Nothing is forced.” and “The only way you can do anything of value is to have the effort come out of non-doing and to let go of caring whether it will be of use or not.” This stuff is so important to me if I am going to be searching for my “call”, because it does not come out of searching but being aware in each moment and following my heart to the next. Thank you Jon Kabat-Zinn and Thank you Oprah for introducing us!!

Session 4

This session leaves me with no answers. I felt present, my movement started left to right then moved to forward and back. It felt like rocking a baby. My brain moved slightly back and forth inside my skull with the rocking. I thought maybe the rocking was to put my brain to sleep so that my spiritual self might take the controls. Later I felt a black spot growing then disappearing in my field of vision. I tried to identify it. It remained a black blob. Yesterday I succeeded in remaining mostly present throughout the day. Even during an emotional breakdown from my 4 year old. We ended up laughing and handling her problem successfully. That is a victory I hope to repeat. Today I will continue to carry that alert presence with me.

Meditation on “The Call” – Session 3

I woke up at same time as my daughter this morning, uh oh! I set her in front of Aladdin and went downstairs for my meditation. A few deep breaths and then relaxation. The swaying motion is unsure at first then I reaffirm my intention on “the call” and “meditate to connect to the spiritual” and I start to move front and back. I take this to be confirmation that I am on the right track. I breath and relax, going deeper. “Mommy!!” I breath. “Mommy!!!!!”.  Ah well, this was bound to happen. I go upstairs. She wants to tell me that the movie stopped. “Is it okay now?” I ask. She says “Yes, but can I have a snack?” Okay, so I get that taken care of, and ask her to not yell anymore and that I’ll be up soon. Back downstairs I am feeling relaxed knowing that I can go back to that state of meditation very quickly. I settle into a few breaths and I feel a left to right motion, “It’s okay” I think. …the call….connect… breath…and I resume the front to back motion. As I go deeper I feel more alert, more aware. I feel brightness behind my eyes. I think, “this is me, the true me.” A small voice in my head asks, “what do you have to tell me?” I clear my head. I am waiting for an image. Something to show me what to do. No image comes but I continue to sense more and more presence of the “spiritual me” the deeper I go the more present I seem to be. I feel that “she” is taking over, is at the forefront of my vision. She says, “follow me, stay like this through your day and follow me. I will show you what to do.” I breath into it, go deeper. She is still there, very present, all-encompassing. I decide this is the message for today. Let the “spiritual me” take over and guide this body.

That is the most difficult thing to do, isn’t it? How quickly the ego can creep up and take hold. It is when you are so taken up with the “things” that have to be done, and the people that you have to communicate with. To hold this presence throughout the day…that is THE aspiration. To always feel connected to that spirit inside, then to feel that the spirit is running you! That is awesome indeed. That is what the practice is for, what some have already attained. I imagine Eckhart Tolle. He is a person guided by his spirit. His message becomes more and more clear everyday.

Second session – intention “The Call”

I wake up extra early again. The ’spiritual me’ keeps a different schedule than the ‘egoic me’. It is best to meditate before my spouse and child get up. The meditation started out with the familar left to right movement, but no pull in either direction this time. The movement makes me think of a diving rod. My intentions “the call” and now “I meditate to connect to the spiritual” are there. I feel my “vision” is open on both sides now so there is no struggle. The movement slows then settles into a new movement. It is small forward movements, like small tugs. Again, this starts to concern me because I’m sitting and want to remain so. But, I find myself in a seated bow. I think of Muslims bowing. I relax, okay I’m bowing to the spirit. I am humble to it. I shift to a child’s pose, arms back. Nothing else is coming. Okay, so the message is give in to it, humble myself and be patient. Yesterday I felt a new calm. A kind of peace from knowing that I do not know what is coming. I am so grateful for Eckhart Tolle’s lession to be comfortable in the not knowing. Also for a close friend who understands and encourages me to stay present so that I don’t send out vibrations of anxiety from not knowing. This force is more powerful than me. I am to humble myself to it. Continue to break down the ego so that I may move forward in this journey.

Lessons in Meditation: Meditate to connect to the spiritual. Give in to the force, there is pain in resistance. Bow to the force, it is more powerful than you.

Awakening

This blog is for documenting the awakening of my soul. I have been slowly moving towards the breakdown of my ego since reading “A New Earth”. I have found the perfect Life Coach and she is helping me through this difficult shift. Yesterday, during our session I felt filled with grief and pain. I am fighting terribly to stay in my previous life. My ego is not going down without a fight and the inner turmoil is causing me great suffering. This morning I meditated with the intention of discovering my call. As usual, minutes into the mediation my body began to sway, left then right, pulling right. I focus my intention on the call. The swaying stops and I try to “see”. The left side remains dark, while the right is brighter. I focused my intention on opening the left side also. I see a picture from my vision board of a girl meditating. This is me. The thought comes “I mediate to connect to the spiritual”. This is good, the thought repeats. I feel a movement in my body again. This time it is forward and back, but the pull is backwards. What can this mean? I remember Margie saying that the call is like a pull, so I give in to it. It is uncomfortable, I am sitting, so how far can I be pulled before I fall backwards. Eventually it stops. I settle in and my body begins the left to right motion again. I hear a sound upstairs and I open my eyes, begin to move about my day. I stay present in the shower, dressing, I want to log this for Margie to see. Maybe I can log this for the world to see….ahh here I am.

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