Reading

I am reading “True Meditation” by Adyashanti and “Manifest Your Destiny” by Wayne Dyer. I am gleaning a little bit of information from each of these books. The ideas of letting go and I am God. “Until we can allow everything to be as it is, in the deepest possible way, in the most profound way, we are still involved in control.” Adyashanti. “I like to think of God as the ocean and myself as a glass. If I dip the glass into the ocean, I will have a glass full of God.” Wayne Dyer. So, I will continue to completely let go of my mind chatter. Recognize it for what it is when it occurs. Trust that I am one with divinity and ask that I be used to fulfill my purpose on this earth. When I act, I will act with awareness. In this way I will know that God will be acting through me. My efforts will be in not trying to understand, but just to Be, Trust, then Act.

I feel drawn more and more to stillness. I am meditating more, thinking a whole lot less. I feel peaceful. I do trust that I will be okay after I quit my job. I am still completely in the dark about the future. But that is okay, it’s really kind of exciting. I have never done anything without a plan. I have also been reading a little Sara Ban Breathnach, “Something More”. I’m not sure her book is going to resonate with me, but so far a least this one part did. She suggests that there is a time in our past when we left our authentic selves behind in pursuit of what other people might want from us. I vividly remember a time when I tried to run away from my mom to move in with my dad. We were at my grandparents house and we got into a fight. I don’t remember what it was about, but I’m sure it had something to do with her not giving me what I needed as far as what I thought a parent should give. I left my grandparents house, began walking towards town and developed a plan of how I would call my Dad, have him get me a bus ticket, etc. My Grandfather came to get me in his car. There was an internal struggle. Should I get into his car, back to safety or defy him and continue to try to get to my Dad? Of course, I got into the car. When I made that choice I  choose the life that my Grandparents had shown me to be good. I always wanted what they had. A swimming pool, screened in porch, fireplace, dining out at restaurants,etc. A life of ease.  My mother did not provide me with these things, but at that point I made a choice. That I would live with my mother, but follow a path that would get me the life of my Grandparents. I sit here now in this house, no pool, but otherwise exactly what I always wished for. I can afford dinners at restaurants and a life of ease. But now I find that it isn’t what I need as a human. It is their life and I do not want to be who they are/were as people. So who did I leave behind that day? Who is my authentic self? How does she want to live her life? My first clue is nature. That is where I have always found the greatest joy.

“Aha” Moment

Through my meditation sessions I have learned that my body movements are directed by the Spiritual Me. I ran a little test a few days ago where I was deep in meditation and I tried directing my body with that part of me. It worked like a charm. I could go forward and back, side to side and in circles. I have learned to trust that my spirit can move me, literally. So today in my meditation I used that knowledge to ask my spirit some questions. I want to know “What is my job on this planet with a capital J?” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) Using my body movements as answers, I have found that I am supposed to do something with my reading. I have read a lot of books, on a lot of topics. I am very resourceful, this is the observation of Margie, my life coach. I believe I am here on this earth to awaken and help others awaken. Now I know that I am going to do this through my knowledge and reading of books. When I asked if I was going to write book reviews, my spirit said no. So I waited, alert, ”How am I going to help people awaken by reading books?” Nothing. Okay, that’s great. I’m really getting somewhere now. : )

Last night I was taken over by my gremlin, Maud, for a moment. I was suddenly fearful that I would not be able to pay for anything that my family has come to count on. Like dinners out, a trip to Disney World, plants for the garden. I thought, “I bring home $5000 a month, $5000!! How the hell am I going to do without that?” Just writing these words brings butterflys to my belly. My head says, “This is crazy! Now you think you are going to read books and replace that income??  Ha! You are one stupid girl.” Now, I want to cry. This is crazy, deep breath.  You can do this, you can do this. Breathe. My husband is slightly frantic. He thinks it is his job to support us and he needs to start making more money. I tell him that it will be fine. The Universe has a plan. He looks doubtful and says that he wants to be part of the process and discuss what needs to happen. I keep assuring him that I won’t be doing nothing, that I am going to be making money…somehow. We have compromised on my working a little bit as a pharmacist to make up for the deficit. He is actually a little concerned that this will affect my search for my true purpose. I am touched that he wants to make this happen for me and feels responsible for taking care of us. I will let him do what he needs to do.

Beginning of Understanding

It is amazing how the clutter of my mind has subsided after I decided to quit my job. I have actually set a quit date of August 29th and have begun the discussion with my husband on how this might work for us. All the other “plans” such as Costa Rica, renting the house and road tripping, etc have fallen away. I know now that this was my mind working overtime trying to find me a way out. The crazy thing is that I have been trying to find a way out of my career since my very first year of being a pharmacist. Ten long years I have been trying to find the right job when in reality it was the career that never suited me.

Margie’s Session

After finding my mind in turmoil from thoughts of moving to Costa Rica, I needed to find presence again. It is amazing how quickly the unconscious mind takes us over. Yesterday’s meditation was about letting go, again. I was desperate to feel something so when a small movement started in my pelvis I tensed up hoping it wouldn’t go away. I finally felt that tension and practiced releasing. In this I was also able to release my mind from “figuring out” how to make my new future happen. My discussion with Margie was along the same lines and ended with my understanding of how this last weeks meditations were mostly me trying to ignore what has been in front of me all along, I must quit my job. This is a dramatic step, one that I was hoping to avoid before I had some kind of plan. So for the next 2 weeks I will be mulling this step over. One voice is “Maudel Citizen” my premier gremlin and the other “Earthgirl” which is the future me I see in my vision. I wish I had more time, but I must get ready for work.

Today

Today I am really trying to follow the natural progression of each moment. So I am e-mailing anybody I know who might know something about teaching english as a second language in Costa Rica. I got here after meditating on being aware of the signs. The first thought that popped in my head was an Adventure Tour van that I saw on a run yesterday. I’ve seen it before and similar vans with similar sounding names. I immediately got up and did an internet search. I found the company, they do bike tours. I’m not that into biking. There was another adventure tour company listed. I clicked on that, guess what? They had a sale on Costa Rica trips. I click through a few of those links, then found one that said “Teaching is your passport to travel.” According to the site, Costa Rica is in high demand for english speaking teachers. A couple of weeks ago Craig told me that one of the few jobs foreigners can get in Costa Rica is teaching english. I happen to know a few people who do this type of thing. So I’ve sent out a few messages. We’ll see what comes up.

Eckhart’s Message

I wasn’t very far into this process that I realized that the message of “A New Earth” is not a new one. I have picked up several spirtual books since then and have found similar, if not the same, message.  I don’t mean to take anyting away from what Mr. Tolle has accomplished. I am just finding myself thinking, “it was always there, you always had access to this information.” It reminds me that what you need is available when you are ready for it. In high school I read Walden. I don’t remember anything about it, except that the guy was alone, in nature. Now I am reading “Wherever You Go There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn and he is quite fond of quoting Thoreau. I can’t even believe the meaning Thoreau’s words have to me now. I have also read “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepak Chopra. I’ve known about Deepak Chopra for a long time, but now I can read his book and really understand how to apply it’s message. And as for fiction, in “The Time Traveler’s Wife” by Audrey Niffenegger there is a reference to a painting called The Awakened Conscience by Hunt. I will be looking up this painting. Hopefully I can post a picture.

As for my meditation this morning, I always like to note my movement. Today I was left to right and forward to back. I settled into a small shifting in my pelvis, a new one for me. After reading a ton of Kabat-Zinn yesterday I really feel like my meditation is just practice for mindfulness. I love his stuff on work. I must quote, “The inward stillness of the doer merges with the outward activity to such an extent that the action does itself. Effortless activity. Nothing is forced.” and “The only way you can do anything of value is to have the effort come out of non-doing and to let go of caring whether it will be of use or not.” This stuff is so important to me if I am going to be searching for my “call”, because it does not come out of searching but being aware in each moment and following my heart to the next. Thank you Jon Kabat-Zinn and Thank you Oprah for introducing us!!

Session 4

This session leaves me with no answers. I felt present, my movement started left to right then moved to forward and back. It felt like rocking a baby. My brain moved slightly back and forth inside my skull with the rocking. I thought maybe the rocking was to put my brain to sleep so that my spiritual self might take the controls. Later I felt a black spot growing then disappearing in my field of vision. I tried to identify it. It remained a black blob. Yesterday I succeeded in remaining mostly present throughout the day. Even during an emotional breakdown from my 4 year old. We ended up laughing and handling her problem successfully. That is a victory I hope to repeat. Today I will continue to carry that alert presence with me.

Meditation on “The Call” – Session 3

I woke up at same time as my daughter this morning, uh oh! I set her in front of Aladdin and went downstairs for my meditation. A few deep breaths and then relaxation. The swaying motion is unsure at first then I reaffirm my intention on “the call” and “meditate to connect to the spiritual” and I start to move front and back. I take this to be confirmation that I am on the right track. I breath and relax, going deeper. “Mommy!!” I breath. “Mommy!!!!!”.  Ah well, this was bound to happen. I go upstairs. She wants to tell me that the movie stopped. “Is it okay now?” I ask. She says “Yes, but can I have a snack?” Okay, so I get that taken care of, and ask her to not yell anymore and that I’ll be up soon. Back downstairs I am feeling relaxed knowing that I can go back to that state of meditation very quickly. I settle into a few breaths and I feel a left to right motion, “It’s okay” I think. …the call….connect… breath…and I resume the front to back motion. As I go deeper I feel more alert, more aware. I feel brightness behind my eyes. I think, “this is me, the true me.” A small voice in my head asks, “what do you have to tell me?” I clear my head. I am waiting for an image. Something to show me what to do. No image comes but I continue to sense more and more presence of the “spiritual me” the deeper I go the more present I seem to be. I feel that “she” is taking over, is at the forefront of my vision. She says, “follow me, stay like this through your day and follow me. I will show you what to do.” I breath into it, go deeper. She is still there, very present, all-encompassing. I decide this is the message for today. Let the “spiritual me” take over and guide this body.

That is the most difficult thing to do, isn’t it? How quickly the ego can creep up and take hold. It is when you are so taken up with the “things” that have to be done, and the people that you have to communicate with. To hold this presence throughout the day…that is THE aspiration. To always feel connected to that spirit inside, then to feel that the spirit is running you! That is awesome indeed. That is what the practice is for, what some have already attained. I imagine Eckhart Tolle. He is a person guided by his spirit. His message becomes more and more clear everyday.

Second session – intention “The Call”

I wake up extra early again. The ’spiritual me’ keeps a different schedule than the ‘egoic me’. It is best to meditate before my spouse and child get up. The meditation started out with the familar left to right movement, but no pull in either direction this time. The movement makes me think of a diving rod. My intentions “the call” and now “I meditate to connect to the spiritual” are there. I feel my “vision” is open on both sides now so there is no struggle. The movement slows then settles into a new movement. It is small forward movements, like small tugs. Again, this starts to concern me because I’m sitting and want to remain so. But, I find myself in a seated bow. I think of Muslims bowing. I relax, okay I’m bowing to the spirit. I am humble to it. I shift to a child’s pose, arms back. Nothing else is coming. Okay, so the message is give in to it, humble myself and be patient. Yesterday I felt a new calm. A kind of peace from knowing that I do not know what is coming. I am so grateful for Eckhart Tolle’s lession to be comfortable in the not knowing. Also for a close friend who understands and encourages me to stay present so that I don’t send out vibrations of anxiety from not knowing. This force is more powerful than me. I am to humble myself to it. Continue to break down the ego so that I may move forward in this journey.

Lessons in Meditation: Meditate to connect to the spiritual. Give in to the force, there is pain in resistance. Bow to the force, it is more powerful than you.

Awakening

This blog is for documenting the awakening of my soul. I have been slowly moving towards the breakdown of my ego since reading “A New Earth”. I have found the perfect Life Coach and she is helping me through this difficult shift. Yesterday, during our session I felt filled with grief and pain. I am fighting terribly to stay in my previous life. My ego is not going down without a fight and the inner turmoil is causing me great suffering. This morning I meditated with the intention of discovering my call. As usual, minutes into the mediation my body began to sway, left then right, pulling right. I focus my intention on the call. The swaying stops and I try to “see”. The left side remains dark, while the right is brighter. I focused my intention on opening the left side also. I see a picture from my vision board of a girl meditating. This is me. The thought comes “I mediate to connect to the spiritual”. This is good, the thought repeats. I feel a movement in my body again. This time it is forward and back, but the pull is backwards. What can this mean? I remember Margie saying that the call is like a pull, so I give in to it. It is uncomfortable, I am sitting, so how far can I be pulled before I fall backwards. Eventually it stops. I settle in and my body begins the left to right motion again. I hear a sound upstairs and I open my eyes, begin to move about my day. I stay present in the shower, dressing, I want to log this for Margie to see. Maybe I can log this for the world to see….ahh here I am.