New Moon, New Begining

Today was the first day of my new freedom. Of course, I still work part-time, but it feels like so much freedom none the less. So much has been happening for me spiritually lately. The biggest thing is my attempts at communicating with the spirit world/the divine. I had an appointment with my massage therapist on Tuesday. We got to discussing the changes I was making in my life and I mentioned that I was using a life coach. Eventually the conversation got to spirituality and spirit guides, etc. My massage therapist, Pat, was totally getting it!! She has just read a book on Angels and Archangels by Doreen Virtue. When I told her about my body movements during meditation she told me that it sounded like “dowsing” and that I could use these movements to speak to the spirit world. She suggested that I think “show me ‘yes’” and watch the movement and do the same for “no”. What a breakthrough! I immediately went home and tried it. I’ve been working with it ever since. At this point I can almost always feel the movement in my body. It is exciting and wierd and unbelievable. I don’t know fully how to use it, what it means, or where to get help understanding what I take to be a gift, unless of course it is some rare disease. But I am so thankful and aware of how the universe gave me exactly what I needed through Pat.

By the way, I “asked” my spirit guides if I was to attend the healing classes and I got a no. I also asked if I was to be a spiritual teacher and I got a “yes”. 

My assignment “What is cow doodie about having to have an education before I share what I know?” from Margie. I have been working on this and coming to realizations here and there. Margie gave me the names of several spiritual teachers and I picked up a video about Ram Dass at the library. His amazing transformation happened in a moment in the presence of his guru. Eckert Tolle’s transformation happened in a moment as well. Once they understood the truth there was no turning back and nothing else was necessary.

When I began receiving calls for my Spiritual Seekers group I got really excited. There actually are people out there who will answer a random ad hoping to connect with others who are spiritual. The last call I got was from a women who was really excited about the opportunity. She was grateful for me reaching out and had a ton of ideas on expanding and promoting the group. Our conversation made me feel where there was an unmet need out there for spiritual people who are not religious. The awakening of the world is happening and I get to be a part of it. Amazing really and what a huge job.

Healer?

There have been some signs pointing me towards the practice of healing. I believe strongly in mind-body connectedness. I’ve given up medications in favor of massage and meditation. I see the depression and anxiety in the world and the amount of medications that are used to cover up these conditions and I’m disgusted. Recently, I’ve had discussions with the people from the spiritual discussion group who have brought up Reiki healing arts… I meditated yesterday and I thought “healer???” and my spirtiual guide responded quite postitively…(my body movements were strongly forward and back) So this morning I reached for my book to read while I drank my coffee and it wasn’t there. Instead I looked through a course catalog for our community college. Low and behold there are several classes on Reiki and Quantam healing, Saturday classes, not too expensive. Perhaps I should explore this.

Spirit Guides

I was intrigued by a conversation Oprah had with the author of “The Instruction” by Macleod. Macleod speaks with spiritual guides and seems to understand the nature of the soul. I found that what he was saying rang true with me. Yesterday I spoke with a lady who is a healer and knows of chakras and such so I asked her about my body movements during my meditations. She said that the movements were my spiritual guides communicating with me. I think this might be true. Today during meditation I asked my spirit guide to let me “see” her. After becoming very, very still and alert, I felt a cool, breeze like sensation on my right hand. I continued to sense this, so I “asked” is that you, at my right hand. My body started to move in circular motions, but it wasn’t fluid, like normal, it was jerky. I thought, why am I jerking around like this, and I felt a tug, to the right. Oh!!! That’s you again, pulling me to the right, letting me know that you are there. When I came to this realization I felt a surge of emotion, tears rolled down my face. So relieved and happy to know that she is there. I opened my eyes, of course I can’t see her. I asked who are you, who are you? But that will remain a question for now.

So much stuff

It has been a while since I’ve written. I was on vacation and probably a bit distracted for a while. I am so grateful for the spiritual discussion group that I’m starting. People are calling and bringing so much to the table and bringing me back to my purpose. Yesterday I had a conversation with a lady that seemed to make it all so clear. She is looking for something, a group to connect with, a place where she can be with like-minded, conscious people. Formal religions, and churches just don’t do it for those who want to be spiritual, but not religous. In today’s, western world we don’t have a obvious place to practice awareness, consciouness and the like. Yoga provides one outlet, but what about those who can’t or don’t want to participate in the physical practice. If Eckhart Tolle is right and we are on the verge of a major shift in consciousness, then where are these people going to go to be inspired, connect and communicate with others who are participants in the changes that are taking place.  We need our own “church” of sorts. One little ad brought about 8 people so far, and I know there are many, many more who can be reached in different ways. They are searching for something. I think it is a place to feel connected. After speaking to this particular lady, I felt so blessed to be a part of this change, encouraged that taking this small step brought about results, and challenged because so much more is needed.

“Teacher”

I believe this title rings true for me. I continue to transform and recognize the deeper aspects of who I really am. Talking to others about spirituality is powerful for me. The words flow and I feel energized. My current assignment is to do more of that. I have posted an advertisement in the local paper and on Craig’s List. It reads. Spiritual Seekers wanted for informal discussion group. Awakening with Tolle? Exploring meditation? Practicing mindfulness? Your presence is welcome. Please call 541-386-5265 if you are in the Hood River, OR area and would like to join us!

I am thankful for my friends and relatives who are willing to be part of this with me. Thanks for listening and connecting. You have been instrumental in my development. It is because of you that I am now willing to take this discussion outside of these safe boundaries.

Destiny here I come!!

Yesterday was the big day. I told my supervisor that I was cutting back my hours. I hope this doesn’t sound like a cop-out. I was going to quit, but I think this is a good place to start. I will work 2 days a week, no weekends starting in September. This will bring in enough money so that we’re not eating into our savings every month. I spoke to both of the other pharmacists and although they aren’t thrilled, they understand. Short conversations with them showed me that I was on the right track. Both feel stuck in the profession despite years of discontent.

I had a powerful meditation session this morning. My body is full of energy! I was making these huge circular motions, like I was drawing in all the energy from the universe. I went to meet my future self, Earthgirl again. I saw more of the lodge that I live in and got to speak to her more about what I do. It’s good that the vision hasn’t changed, because my mind can certainly take me many other places and I find myself wondering, “Is this what I’m going to do?” I feel like the lodge is in Washington. Just across the river from here. I love this town so much that it makes me a bit sad to have to leave. But, I think when it’s time I won’t be sad. I’m just not quite done here yet.

Reading

I am reading “True Meditation” by Adyashanti and “Manifest Your Destiny” by Wayne Dyer. I am gleaning a little bit of information from each of these books. The ideas of letting go and I am God. “Until we can allow everything to be as it is, in the deepest possible way, in the most profound way, we are still involved in control.” Adyashanti. “I like to think of God as the ocean and myself as a glass. If I dip the glass into the ocean, I will have a glass full of God.” Wayne Dyer. So, I will continue to completely let go of my mind chatter. Recognize it for what it is when it occurs. Trust that I am one with divinity and ask that I be used to fulfill my purpose on this earth. When I act, I will act with awareness. In this way I will know that God will be acting through me. My efforts will be in not trying to understand, but just to Be, Trust, then Act.

I feel drawn more and more to stillness. I am meditating more, thinking a whole lot less. I feel peaceful. I do trust that I will be okay after I quit my job. I am still completely in the dark about the future. But that is okay, it’s really kind of exciting. I have never done anything without a plan. I have also been reading a little Sara Ban Breathnach, “Something More”. I’m not sure her book is going to resonate with me, but so far a least this one part did. She suggests that there is a time in our past when we left our authentic selves behind in pursuit of what other people might want from us. I vividly remember a time when I tried to run away from my mom to move in with my dad. We were at my grandparents house and we got into a fight. I don’t remember what it was about, but I’m sure it had something to do with her not giving me what I needed as far as what I thought a parent should give. I left my grandparents house, began walking towards town and developed a plan of how I would call my Dad, have him get me a bus ticket, etc. My Grandfather came to get me in his car. There was an internal struggle. Should I get into his car, back to safety or defy him and continue to try to get to my Dad? Of course, I got into the car. When I made that choice I  choose the life that my Grandparents had shown me to be good. I always wanted what they had. A swimming pool, screened in porch, fireplace, dining out at restaurants,etc. A life of ease.  My mother did not provide me with these things, but at that point I made a choice. That I would live with my mother, but follow a path that would get me the life of my Grandparents. I sit here now in this house, no pool, but otherwise exactly what I always wished for. I can afford dinners at restaurants and a life of ease. But now I find that it isn’t what I need as a human. It is their life and I do not want to be who they are/were as people. So who did I leave behind that day? Who is my authentic self? How does she want to live her life? My first clue is nature. That is where I have always found the greatest joy.

“Aha” Moment

Through my meditation sessions I have learned that my body movements are directed by the Spiritual Me. I ran a little test a few days ago where I was deep in meditation and I tried directing my body with that part of me. It worked like a charm. I could go forward and back, side to side and in circles. I have learned to trust that my spirit can move me, literally. So today in my meditation I used that knowledge to ask my spirit some questions. I want to know “What is my job on this planet with a capital J?” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) Using my body movements as answers, I have found that I am supposed to do something with my reading. I have read a lot of books, on a lot of topics. I am very resourceful, this is the observation of Margie, my life coach. I believe I am here on this earth to awaken and help others awaken. Now I know that I am going to do this through my knowledge and reading of books. When I asked if I was going to write book reviews, my spirit said no. So I waited, alert, ”How am I going to help people awaken by reading books?” Nothing. Okay, that’s great. I’m really getting somewhere now. : )

Last night I was taken over by my gremlin, Maud, for a moment. I was suddenly fearful that I would not be able to pay for anything that my family has come to count on. Like dinners out, a trip to Disney World, plants for the garden. I thought, “I bring home $5000 a month, $5000!! How the hell am I going to do without that?” Just writing these words brings butterflys to my belly. My head says, “This is crazy! Now you think you are going to read books and replace that income??  Ha! You are one stupid girl.” Now, I want to cry. This is crazy, deep breath.  You can do this, you can do this. Breathe. My husband is slightly frantic. He thinks it is his job to support us and he needs to start making more money. I tell him that it will be fine. The Universe has a plan. He looks doubtful and says that he wants to be part of the process and discuss what needs to happen. I keep assuring him that I won’t be doing nothing, that I am going to be making money…somehow. We have compromised on my working a little bit as a pharmacist to make up for the deficit. He is actually a little concerned that this will affect my search for my true purpose. I am touched that he wants to make this happen for me and feels responsible for taking care of us. I will let him do what he needs to do.

Beginning of Understanding

It is amazing how the clutter of my mind has subsided after I decided to quit my job. I have actually set a quit date of August 29th and have begun the discussion with my husband on how this might work for us. All the other “plans” such as Costa Rica, renting the house and road tripping, etc have fallen away. I know now that this was my mind working overtime trying to find me a way out. The crazy thing is that I have been trying to find a way out of my career since my very first year of being a pharmacist. Ten long years I have been trying to find the right job when in reality it was the career that never suited me.

Margie’s Session

After finding my mind in turmoil from thoughts of moving to Costa Rica, I needed to find presence again. It is amazing how quickly the unconscious mind takes us over. Yesterday’s meditation was about letting go, again. I was desperate to feel something so when a small movement started in my pelvis I tensed up hoping it wouldn’t go away. I finally felt that tension and practiced releasing. In this I was also able to release my mind from “figuring out” how to make my new future happen. My discussion with Margie was along the same lines and ended with my understanding of how this last weeks meditations were mostly me trying to ignore what has been in front of me all along, I must quit my job. This is a dramatic step, one that I was hoping to avoid before I had some kind of plan. So for the next 2 weeks I will be mulling this step over. One voice is “Maudel Citizen” my premier gremlin and the other “Earthgirl” which is the future me I see in my vision. I wish I had more time, but I must get ready for work.